When P Meggy is nowhere to be found, Cat has stories ready....

Of Your Dreams

CatCooper

For what is not the first time in your life, you wish you knew what it was like to be normal.  Unmemorable.  Just another face in the crowd. 

You tire of feeling eyes on you.  Of being treated like a piece of meat.  Of being something to salivate over until a better option presents herself. 

You know it was laughed about.  Shoved off to the side.  Forgotten.  And that only really makes it worse. 

You didn’t cry, but that doesn’t change the fact that he made you feel worthless.  Guilty.  Stupid.  Weak.  Vulnerable. 

So when your breath’s quickening, when you find yourself in front of this hugely tall athlete, you try to lie, but find you can’t.  You can’t lie to Cameron, a friend you’ve known all your life, but have only recently become close to.  You are, after all, hyperventilating. 

“Don’t lie,” he commands, staring at you with those penetrating eyes.  Something is a little bit…off with Cameron.  Almost like it was with that monster.  “What’s up with you?” 

You sigh, wishing you could dig a hole and bury yourself in the middle of your school’s hallway.  “It’s nothing.”

You want to believe it, and, maybe, he does as well, but you can’t. 

He presses onward.  “You know you can tell me anything.”

It’s not a query, searching for confirmation.  It’s a statement, bold and true. 

You begin to feel queasy as the beans spill themselves.  “There-there was so-some stuff that happened last year.” 

Cameron raises an eyebrow, clearly impatient.  “What kind of stuff?”

You close you eyes tightly.  “There was a g-guy.  He-he made me th-the object of his…attentions.  I mean, it was a sick, sick game.  See how many girls’ butts you could…grab.”  You shudder delicately.  “A sick, sick game.” 

You notice suddenly that you seem invisible to the other students; they carry on their merry way while you stand, breaking down, in the middle of your school’s dingy hall. 

“But it was nothing…more than that?” he asks.  “Right?”

“Uh, yeah.”  The lack of concern in his eyes scares you.  Makes your hands become clammy.  Forces your knees to wobble, just slightly.  Where is your Cameron, with eyes filled with compassion?  Innocence.  Laughter. 

“So you’ll be okay.”

“Yeah.”  You feel yourself begin to shut down, like with all the others you try to tell.  The passive aggressiveness takes over.

Until his face contorts itself into an evil mask, with something terrifying in his eyes.  He laughs derisively, might as well be pointing, too. 

“What?” you exclaim. 

“It’s just funny.”  Cameron wipes tears of mirth from his face.  “You try and seem like this big stronghold, but you just shatter because of what?  A guy?”

You cast your gaze upon the ground, feeling your heart shred into thin, frail pieces.  Tears well up in your eyes for the first time in a long time as his next words confirm the fears you have harbored for many months. 

“You were probably asking for it, weren’t you?” he jeers. 

“No,” you whisper, so softly you can hardly hear yourself. 

“Pathetic.”  He shakes his head in disgust and laughs again. 

You wrap your arms around yourself and try not to flinch as the bell rings, emptying the hall completely of students.  Try and fail. 

“So now what?  Now you’re just going to stand there and cry like a baby about what you’ve brought on yourself?  I don’t have time for this.”  And, with one last look of distain, he walks off, leaving you behind.  Alone.  Forsaken. 

“Cameron!” you yell.  But he doesn't come back.  Or turn around.  Or acknowledge your desperate shriek. 

He opens the door at the end of the hall, and light streams in for a moment.  You drop your backpack and rush to the fast-closing door, realizing how long it’s been since you truly felt warm. 

The door feels so heavy, even though is looked light as a feather when Cameron shoved it open.  You put your full weight upon it, wondering when you got to being so weak. 

The door finally cracks open, swinging on its hinges suddenly, making you fall to the ground.  You feel blood on your hands, but yourself unable to care. 

The light you saw is nearly gone.  Dark clouds are moving in and the sun is setting, both occurring unnaturally quickly. 

Cameron is nowhere to be seen. 

“Cameron!!!” you scream.  No answer.  “Cameron?” you say softly.  “Anybody?” you whisper.  It’s dark as obsidian now. 

A scarily familiar voice, belonging to a monster you can’t seem to escape, speaks as a drop of rain slides down your cheek.  “I’m here.”  The monster snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you close.  A hand caresses your cheek whilst all visibility leaves. 

You jerk awake, finding yourself nestled in the side of a warm body, and jump to he other side of the couch. 

The figure at the other end of the couch holds up his hands in surrender.  You relax immediately, for this is your protector.  Listener.  Boyfriend. 

You awkwardly slide back beside him and whisper, “Sorry.” 

Cameron brushes your apology aside, asking, “Was it the dream again?”

You nod, overjoyed to be beside someone you feel safe near. 

Now, after months and years, you know that, not only did they laugh, they said you blew it out of proportion.  Turned that monster into an unimaginably ferocious beast, with fangs and claws scraping at your skin. 

But they don’t know the fear that overtakes you still.  The guilt.  The insecurity.  The hopelessness. The need to let it all out but the silence required. 

You’ve had to move on from it all, but it’s still there.  At the back of your mind some days, right in front of your eyes on others. 

At this point, you’re just glad to have a man of reality.  Rather than one of your dreams.