May All Your Heavy Burdens Go
I stare at the snow as it falls, waiting for the babysitter to get to my condo. A knock at the door, which I run to quickly. After checking the peephole, I throw open the door, shushing Kasey, the seventeen-year-old from the fourth floor of my apartment building who occasionally watches Madeline for me.
“She just fell asleep,” I explain quietly, leading Kasey to Maddie’s room.
I smile at my fifteen-month-old angel’s sleeping form. Who I originally thought was a ginormous mistake turned out to be the greatest blessing I could hope to experience. When I see her, I second-guess going to the Christmas party my best friend Chase Kelly is throwing more than I already had been wavering.
Kasey studies me closely. “You know, it doesn't make you a bad mother to leave her every once in a while.”
“It’s not that. At this point, I’m not even sure I want to go,” I confess as we return to the living room.
“Ah.” She nods knowingly. “So Shelley’s gonna me there.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I think she’s just strange,” Kasey says boldly.
“Care to explain?”
“Well, what kind of woman dates a guy whose surname rhymes with her first? If they got married? Chase and Shelley Kelly? She sounds like a Sesame Street character!”
I laugh loudly. “Okay, any evidence other than that of her strangeness?”
Kasey pulls some of her auburn hair into a half-up-half-down do and bites her lip thoughtfully. “Well, she’s dating Chase Kelley, who you are in love with.”
I frown at how transparent I obviously am. “I’ll be back in and hour and a half,” I say briskly, passing a ten dollar bill.
“Sonia, take as long as you like.” She hands back the payment. “Count it as my Christmas present to you.”
“Then, count the box under the tree with your name on it as my Christmas present to you.”
Kasey giggles as I pull on my coat and leave. I drive to Chase’s house, hoping and praying tonight would be the night he realizes I am a significantly better match for him than Shelley, his girlfriend of two years. Sonia Kelly sounds way better than than “Shelley Kelly.”
I knock loudly, White Elephant gift in hand, and grin broadly when the door opens, although that grin slips just slightly when Shelley answers the door.
“Sonia, it’s so good to see you.” Her smile is fake, forced, pasted on.
But, then again, so is mine. “Yeah, you too.”
“How’s uh Madeline?” she asks awkwardly.
I grin hugely, only for the memory of my usually energetic daughter’s deep sleep as I’d left. “She’s great. My friend Kasey’s taking care of her for a while tonight. I can’t believe it’ll be our second Christmas together! I guess that don’t make ornaments for that…”
I glance at her tight smile, remembering too late that I'm talking to the wrong person. It’s no secret to anyone who isn’t Chase that Shelley finds me to be a tramp. I mean, yeah, I got pregnant out of wedlock, but does that mean I deserve to be condemned by a “religious” woman?
Kasey’s a Christian and she isn’t bothered by my situation. In fact, she’s a lot more helpful than most Christians and Non-Christians I come across.
“Sonia!” Chase yells, grabbing my attention immediately. He runs a hand through his dark blondish hair as he wraps an arm around Shelley’s waist. Wish it was my waist.
“Hey, friend.” I smile weakly.
“Somethin’ up?” he asks, concerned.
In a perfect world, my answer would be something like “Yes, Chase, something is up. Your girlfriend happens to find me to be a hussy, you happen to not notice, and I happen to be in love with you.” Of course, the world is not prefect so my answer remains, “Nope. Everything’s fine.”
How can he not notice how huge of a lie that is? Of course, Shelley pulls him away to entertain their other guests before he can have a chance to notice.
People stand around the buffet, eating, laughing, talking, flirting. I don’t belong here. I should be at home with Maddie, helping her eat Cheerios, not pretending I belong in this world full of people who can be spontaneous and just live.
My friends haven’t spotted me. I can leave.
I check to make sure no one is looking in the direction of the door. With one last glance at Chase, I quietly open and shut the door.
* * *
It’s pretty much insane how much has changed since last Christmas.
I finished school. Finally.
Maddie has discovered it’s not a good idea to throw food at every person she sees.
Kasey is in her senior year.
I had another birthday.
Maddie got, if possible, more adorable.
Oh yeah, the Jesus factor, too.
I learned how to make beastly fried rice.
YES!!! Jesus. Happened. To. Me.
It’s so weird, because I never thought I would be the type to have a religion, but God is so much more to me. I’ve decided I want my little girl growing up in church, so she knows not to make the mistakes I made.
For the sad news (that can be considered happy from some perspectives), Chase and Shelley broke up. Rather, Shelley moved to Cincinnati without telling him. I knew Kasey was right in thinking she was strange.
Well, Chase is available, so that’s not sad, really.
What is sad is when you look in his eyes and all you see is hurt. I see him space out and have no idea where he is, mentally.
I try to talk to him, but he’s disconnected. I’m pretty sure Shelley took his heart with her to Cincinnati.
The holidays are really hard on him, which is what finds me in his house again. Except, this time, he’s not here.
What better way to cheer someone up than breaking into their house to throw a surprise party? Well, maybe there is a better way, but it involves an industrial-sized hotdog roaster and several mimes.
So that’s basically how I found myself with many of Chase’s and my friends stuffed in his living room with all the lights off.
“Mommy, I wan’ some juice,” Maddie whines. “An’ is dark.”
“It’s dark, sweetie.” I ruffle her hair and pick up a sippy cup I had at the ready.
I hear Kasey snicker lightly. “Yeah, teach grammar to a two-year-old. Way to go, Sonia.”
Grace and Dante, two of my coworkers and friends, laugh along with me before we’re silenced by Davis, Chase’s best friend.
“OI!!! He just got back!!!” Davis yells.
“Places everybody!” I whisper as I shoo Grace, Dante, Davis, and a few others behind the couch.
“Paces!” Maddie shrieks.
“Places,” I mutter, watching the rest of the people Davis and I had invited crowd in the small kitchen.
“Shh! He’s coming,” Dante murmurs.
We here a lock turn, a door open, and, when the lights are flipped on, we jump out of our nooks and our crannies, people pouring out of the kitchen.
Davis blows in a pitch pipe and we begin singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”
If I didn’t know better, I would’ve missed the slight watering of Chase’s eyes or the way his voice wavered just slightly when he thanked us for coming. Of course, I know him so much better than that. Enough to be sure his grin was just to save face.
He hadn’t expected the tree we put up while he was on a wild goose chase (designed by Dante and me) or the ornaments Kasey and I had helped Maddie make. Honestly, I feel like he’d expected us to all just forget him like Shelley had.
It was no secret (to me, at least, since I had Davis prying at every chance) that his calls went unanswered and gifts returned. He’d even gone to Cincinnati one weekend, only to never have her door answered, though the car in the driveway made it obvious she was home.
It breaks my heart to see the same deadness in his eyes that mine held the year previously. It’s like looking in a mirror, really, one that reminds me of how that empty place in my heart felt.
When I notice, while talking about Chase with Kasey, holding Maddie on my hip, that he seems to have left his own party, I feel the pain I know he’s experiencing.
“Go,” Kasey says, observing my troubled manner. “Find him. I’ll watch Maddie. She’s almost asleep anyways.”
I nod and brush some of the curls off of my daughter’s forehead and kiss her softly. After handing her off, I begin my search, which happens to really be not that difficult to finish.
I spot his silhouette in a window looking over his small backyard and quietly go outside.
“Hey,” I say, gently placing my hand on his shoulder.
Chase jumps slightly and turns, a smile on his face. A dull, counterfeit of his grins from the past. “Hey, Sonia. Great party!”
I hesitate before pressing on. “You don’t have to act around me. I know what you’re feeling.”
“Really.” He sighs.
“Yes.”
“I’m sure.”
I frown into the darkness. “You want to doubt that I know what you’re going through?”
Chase runs his hand through his hair and sighs again, this time out of frustration. “I know you wanted me while you couldn’t have me, but that doesn't make you qualified to know my pain.”
I shake my head, slightly embarrassed that I am actually as obvious as Kasey claims. “That’s not what I’m talking about.” Even in the shadows, I can feel his “Oh really” eyebrow raise. “I mean, yeah, that part stinks. Wanting to be with someone but knowing you can’t is horrible.”
Chase snorts, yet it sounds almost like a sob. “You know that’s right.”
“But I think we both know that’s what I’m talking about. You feel alone, cornered, like no one cares, no one remembers you. It’s just you and the world. So where’s God?”
He turns sharply. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m God’s child now, too, remember? I felt like that last year. My daughter couldn’t’ve filled that hole in my heart; you couldn’t’ve filled that hole in my heart. Only God filled it.”
“I am a Christian. God is helping me through this,” he argues.
“In Jeremiah 29:11, it’s says, ‘For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you—”
“A hope and future,” Chase finishes apathetically. “I know the verse.”
“So why can’t you trust God to give you a hope and a future? If Shelley is the one, then God’ll bring you back together. If not, then He’ll open up new doors.”
Chase pushes back his hair again. “I know in my head that you’re right, and maybe in my heart, too, but it’s going to take a while for me to really know.”
“You’ll never know. Not without God.”
“Do you have to be right always?” He grins, really grins.
“Yes.” I smile and grab his hand, pulling him back towards the house. “Let’s go back inside; I’m freezing.”
He chuckles and follows. “You just can’t handle the cold.”
“Sure.” I stop Chase as we reach the door. “Just know we’re here for you. A broken heart isn’t all you have to get for Christmas.”
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